Editorial:
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Hi folks, and welcome to the very first edition of The Daily e-Blah! So glad you could join us, we merry (ok, maybe not SO merry) band of misfits and monkeys who sweat and toil to deliver this damn thing on time!
Things are finally cooling down here somewhat in sunny QLD, and I for one am looking forward to weeks of freezing my bits off every morning. So far, I've been disappointed... it's cool, but not really COLD. Last winter I was in Perth, and yeah then it was FREEZING with a capital F! It was the coldest winter on record over there, and lucky me, I was smack in the middle of it.
Anyhoo, let's get this issue underway... remember, if you wish to email a contribution, feel free to shoot an email to: frostilicusfrost AT gmail DOT com (take that, spambots!)
Love, bourbons and cute kittens,
~Frostilicus~
Music Charts:
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No 1: (I'm Hot) But I'm Still Going To Jail - Paris Hilton
No 2: Grace Kelly Stole My Wig - Mika
No 3: This Ain't a Scene, It's EMO HELL - Fall Out Boy
No 4: I Wanna Shove You (You Stole My Stash) - Akon Ft Snoop Dogg
No 5: Get Down (Off My Roof) - Groove Armada Ft Stush
No 6: Glamorous (Used To Be Me) - Fergie
No 7: Rock This Party (Everybody Dance Now) (UNoriginal) - Bob Sinclar
No 8: Straight Lines (That I Can't See While Drunk) - Silverchair
No 9: Capital G (Bush) - Nine Inch Nails
No 10: All I do Is Shake My Ass (And People Scream) - Beyonce
Music Editorial:
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Isn't Anyone Original Anymore? (Or, This Month's Music Editorial)
By Valo Schwarz
Why is it that so many of today's "new" songs are simply re-hashes of songs from the 80's? It's getting to be as bad as movies, people! If I hear another song that is simply a crappy rap song rapped over a famous song from the 80's, I think I might just puke in my shoes! (And I know a thing or two about puking in the wrong places!)
Bob Sinclar is the latest villain in this scam. He's ripped off the more than half decent "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory for his ridiculous "Rock This Party" song. PUH-lease. It's a complete and utter TEASE to people who liked that song to begin with. If you have to do that, at least make it tasteful.
Likewise, if you MUST cover something because you can't write a song to save your life or you're just plain fucking LAZY, at least do it WELL... and don't fuck it up, for the love of fish sticks.
How To Become a Successful Country Music Star, In a Few Easy Steps
By Frostilicus Frost
For those of you who wonder just how to make it big in the music industry, we've compiled some simple, easy to follow steps! Read on and stay tuned for future articles!
1: Have a tortured childhood. Poor family is good, child abuse by your uncle bubba-joe = paydirt. If you didn't have a tortured childhood, LIE. You're creating sleepytime music for grannies and hicks anyway, so who cares if it's BS.
2: A pretty face helps (for females). Blonde is a necessity. For males, be as ugly or sexy as you like. compulsory to wear a cowboy hat and too-tight jeans, and one of those string ties for that "just blew in from Texas" look. Hat size is personal preference, but a bigger hat may make you look more confident (or more like a wanker)
3: Get a guitar for that whole "wandering minstrel" look, if that is your angle. If you can't play it, FAKE IT..it's being overdubbed anyway.
4: Have some cheesy band with violins and the MANDATORY slide guitar player. If you can get a blind one, all the better. (more "ooh-ahh" factor)
5: COMPULSORY lyrics about how your lover left you, or how your dog died, or how your husband/wife is a cheating slut, or how you overcame addiction.
6: FIND JESUS and sing about "Him" every chance you get...
7: record an upbeat song that involves loads of bootscooting hicks in the video clip. Hell, it worked for Billy Ray Cyrus and it just might make you famous too! (even if only for 5 minutes)
8: A previous addiction will certainly help your career. e.g. "I was an alcoholic but i turned my life around after i found JESUS". Alcoholics are a popular choice, but you can always pick something else e.g. drugs, sex with sheep. this will prey on the sympathies of the grannies and hicks. (bonus points for how many christians you rake in after mentioning JESUS)
9: No matter what you are singing about, smile like a loony and act 1000% positive. Country music is all about making the grannies happy. If your song is about death, include some bullshit about the afterlife and how the dead person is watching over you and being your angel. (better to give the grannies something to look forward to)
10: Make everything sound exactly the same (but slightly different) using the same beat or rhythm. shuffle rhythms or boogie will do. nothing avant garde or experimental! You're making country music, not something worth remembering.
11: If you happen to win any awards, at the ceremony, be sure to thank GOD and your FAMILY (even though they were fucked up and 99% of your album slags them off.).
12: Sound the part. That is, develop a thick hickish-sounding accent so barely anyone can understand you when you speak normally. Overuse the words "darlin' " and "sugar" and possibly "honeypie" like they are going out of fashion.
13: be sure to include some cheesy duet with well established male/female country star. Pick some lovey-dovey song that's sure to make middle aged women cream their panties. A cover would be a good choice. Establish loads of on-screen chemistry for the video.
14: Play country music until the day you die, be it naturally (at the age of 80-something) or due to suicide because your addiction overtook your life and you're depressed, your wife ran off with some scumbag and poisoned your puppy bubba-joe, and the crops aren't growing because there's a drought on...blah blah blah you get the idea.
Interviews:
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Interview, Schminterview!: God
By Frostilicus Frost
In this issue of The Daily E-Blah, we present our first interview, with that most interesting of characters, God himself. He appears in clothing that is made from hemp, has a goatee and a shaggy haircut.
FF: Hi, God, thanks for joining us.
God: Thanks for having me.
FF: So, there are a lot of people out there who seem to think they know what you would be thinking or feeling in this day and age, do you have any response?
God: Well... It's hard to say. If you read the Bible, I'm supposed to have created the earth, and the heavens, and blah blah blah... When any sane person would believe science over what is pretty much a work of fiction and fairy tale, and--
FF: So... Let me get this right, You're denouncing the bible?
God: Oh come on. Anyone person who thinks for themselves knows that the Bible is so old that no one really knows what happened. It's a bit like that game... Chinese Whispers. One person says what they saw and by the time it gets to person number 10, they saw water being turned into wine, when really it was me just adding some cordial!
FF: There was no wine?
God: Of course not. Alcohol is really bad. Why do you think it causes so many deaths?
FF: I see. So if you don't mind my asking, what did people do for fun back then?
God: Well, we played frisbee, played folk music and smoked a shitload of weed.
FF: Excuse me?
God: Yeah, you heard right! It was the people who didn't approve of us as potheads who turned it all around and changed the story. Again, Chinese Whispers! One person says weed, the other says wine. Weed, wine... they sound sort of the same...
FF: So all these church types who have been saying that drugs are bad...
God: No no.. just weed. That's the only drug that's really got any benefit to it. Other drugs can have scary side effects, and besides, they didn't come about until a lot later.
FF: Hmm, most interesting. What would you say to all those preacher types?
God: I think the first thing I would say, is simply this: Shut up. Your preachings are bullshit. These preacher types really piss me off, man. They think they know, but they don't have a clue. They all need to smoke a joint, get laid and chill out. I'm a man of peaceful means, Frost. I don't believe in war, particularly wars that are undertaken in my name.
FF: And what about Terrorism?
God: (sighs) I don't want people killing each other, and I don't want people taking innocent lives because they think I want them to. Terrorists have got it completely wrong about what I want. Whatever they subscribe to is not what I have said.
FF: And what does God want from the people of the earth?
God: Stop polluting the planet. I didn't create it for you to fuck it up. Stop killing each other. And remember, a joint a day, keeps the doctor away.
FF: God, thanks for your time.
God: Hey, no problem, anytime.
Classifieds:
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For Sale: Hacksaw, used condition. Few blood stains. $5 or best offer. Quick sale preferred. email serialkiller35@mail.com
Wanted: Coffin. Will pay good $$. phone 1-800-DEAD and ask for Mr Grim.
For Sale: Giant Wrench. Rusted. Used to break a terrorist's arm. Call 645-4223 and ask for Jack B.
For Sale: Chess clock. Used to beat opponent half to death. Many bloodstains $20 ono. Call 1-800-BEATEN and ask for Mickey.
Advertisements
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Joe's Crematorium: Back In Business 2 for 1 sale! That's right, folks. For a limited time only, we are having a 2 for 1 sale. Cremate anything and get the second cremation FREE! Choose from our list of crematables or bring your own!
If you would like to place an ad in The Daily E-Blah, feel free to email us. This week we are only charging 2 coconuts instead of the usual 3. The monkeys are on a diet.
Artsy Piece:
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Torch and Rocks
Frostilicus Frost
Acrylic on Canvas Paper
