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Hello ladies and germs, and welcome to Issue #2 of The Daily E-Blah. Well so much for winter here in Queensland. It was cold for about a month and it's been mild the rest of the time. We did manage to have a few days worth of rain, though... which was good for the dams, and kept the ducks happy. No really, the little baby ducklings had their tail feathers all a-waggling! It was very cute.
Well, I'm off to teach the monkeys to do interesting things with Gaffa Tape, so enjoy the issue.
Love and mashed potatoes,
~Frostilicus Frost~
Editor-in-Chief
Music Charts:
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No 1: Love (me) Today - Mika
No 2: Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (I lost my vowels!) - Fall Out Boy
No 3: Dear Mr President (Douchebag) - P!nk
No 4: Glamorous (Used To Be Me) - Fergie
No 5: All I do Is Shake My Ass (And People Scream) - Beyonce
No 6: I Don't Remember (Where I Left My Pants) - Powderfinger
No 7: Capital G (Bush) - Nine Inch Nails
No 8: Out Of Jail (And Still A Slut!) - Paris Hilton
No 9: Don't Matter (I Forgot) - Akon
No 10: UFO (Aliens) - Sneaky Sound System
Music Editorial
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Get your ass outta my face, I just want to hear the music.
By Valo Schwartz
So here it is, it's 2007, and I think to myself... What happened to the time when music was actually about music? There are entirely too many "artists" out there these days, who frankly belong in a strip club, rather than on MTV (or whatever music channel you prefer to watch).
Now I'm not entirely the prudish type, but still, there's good and bad taste when it comes to things like that. I'd much rather see a chick who is well dressed, as opposed to a scantily clad bimbowh0re, who is dressed in something that barely passes for a facetowel and a G-string.
No, I don't particularly want to hear about how some homie took you around the freakin' world on the end of their knob. It makes you look even cheaper than the "clothes" you are wearing, and frankly, you're not exactly all that either. Honey, that "tramp stamp" doesn't make you look tempting either, in fact, I'm sure you're probably a coked out biker slut anyway...
Music should inspire, as well as entertain. Talent should be what matters, not how big Plastic Barbie's rack is.
How to become an 80's Pop icon in a few simple steps.
By Frostilicus Frost
1: Bad fashion is a must. Big hair, shoulder pads, lots of make up, those big stupid plastic bangles, oversized belts, spandex spandex spandex! Look as much like a badly coloured easter egg wrapper as you can. Fluoro is IN, black is out...unless of course you're a member of the cure...
2: Achieve the "androgynous" look. Males, try and look more female and vice versa. Make up should be worn regardless of what gender you are. The idea is to spark of a truckload of "is so and so gay" rumours.
3: Write lyrics that (for the most part) make no sense whatsoever. Make use of nonsensical words for your chorus (do-do-do works well, or na-na-na).
4: Cover a song from the 60's that no one remembers. Make sure your cover sells shitloads of records, and gives rise for some wannabe goth artist to cover it in the early 2000's. And don't forget to look like a total twit in the video!
5: Write a catchy song in another language that no one that speaks English can sing the words to. Record a translated English version which sucks because it takes away all the original meaning from the song, and people like the original foreign version.
6: Big hair. Nuff said. Your tour bus should never be without a case of hairspray.
7: All your songs must, in effect, sound exactly the same, but slightly different. Whether they have the same beat, or using the same kind of synthesiser.
8: Smile constantly as though you've taken a shitload of happy drugs.
9: Whenever asked anything political, gloss over it and then plug your latest album until they get sick of you.
10: Lip synching may work for you, but remember, the tape has the ability to get chewed up, and in any case you risk getting exposed and may have to return some awards that "you" won for some song that was shitty anyway....and you die in a flat somewhere of an overdose 20 years later, and all you are remembered for is "those guys who didn't really sing that song".
11: Act aloof and like you don't really care about anything except your hair or boys/girls.
12: Develop an addiction to booze or cocaine... this will allow you to half kill your career, go into rehab, and come out of it on the other side of 1990 and boost your flagging career which is only being held up by sales of your "greatest hits" album.
13: Develop insanely stupid looking dance moves to your insanely stupid songs.
14: Look genuinely shocked and amazed when fans scream in your presence.
15: Alternatively to all this... have a one hit wonder and then disappear into obscurity forever! (Bonus points if your one hit wonder is covered by previously mentioned awful goth artist and actually sounds better than most of their original shit!)
Interview
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We did have an interview scheduled for this issue, but our interviewee got hit by a bus while trying, in vain, to save an albino frog from certain death.
Classifieds:
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Lost: One Albino Frog. Answers to "Squish". Call 1-800-LOST-FROG
For Sale: Coffin. Slightly soiled, some dirt clumps. $50 or less. call 1-800-DEAD and ask for Mr Grim.
For Sale: Half eaten chocolate bar. Quick sale. 50 cents, or nearest offer. Call 1-800=MUNCH and ask for Sparky.
Advertisements
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Joe's Crematorium: Crematorium-a-rama sale! That's right, folks. For a limited time only, we are having a 50% off sale. Cremate anything and get the second cremation HALF PRICE! Choose from our list of crematables or bring your own! (Sorry, no pets allowed)
If you would like to place an ad in The Daily E-Blah, feel free to email us. This week we are only charging 2 coconuts instead of the usual 3. The monkeys are on a diet.
Artsy Fartsy Piece:
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Frustration (Oil On Canvas)
Frostilicus Frost
